The Circle Game-Pondering My Upcoming Move from Tulsa to Florida

The Circle Game-Pondering My Upcoming Move from Tulsa to Florida

I am reflecting on my life. Surrounded by boxes waiting to go to Florida after living in Tulsa, Oklahoma for most of my 60 years on the planet, it seemed fitting to share my thoughts out loud.

I graduated from high school at Monte Cassino School in Tulsa. At the time, it was an all girls school. It was May 1977. And this was our senior song:

The Circle Game

written by Joni Mitchell

“Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, when you’re older, must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now
Cartwheels turn to car wheels through the town
And they tell him,
Take your time, it won’t be long now
Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There’ll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We’re captive on the carousel of time
We can’t return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game.”

My years have spun by 60 times. And the majority of those have been here. In Tulsa, Oklahoma.

I arrived at age 12. Not real happy to be here either. I was born in New York where I lived until I was 5. Then we moved to Connecticut where I lived from 5 to 9 and where, at age 7, my dad died unexpectedly at the age of 42. He was my first best friend. Two years later, my brother and sister were out of the house and it was just me and my mom. She liked the song “You and Me Against The World” by Helen Reddy for us, as it was just the two of us moving forward.

I was promised a move to Ft. Lauderdale, where I was to go to school with children from all over the world, only to find my mom detouring to her old home town of Taylorville, Illinois and then Springfield, Illinois from the age of 9 to 12. And from there, we moved to Tulsa to be close to family as my siblings were in college in Oklahoma City and one of my dad’s brothers and his family were in Tulsa.

I was not happy here. I loved the beach as a child. Learned to swim in salt water at the Larchmont Yacht Club in New York and played at not getting caught in the undertow at Jones Beach. Toe headed blonde with a constant sunburn and smile, I was a beach baby. And while Oklahoma boasts the most shoreline in the US for it’s numerous lakes and such, I am a salt water snob. When people ask why I came to Oklahoma, I like to say that my mom made a wrong turn on the way to Ft. Lauderdale.

(Larchmont Yacht Club)

Don’t get me wrong, Tulsa people have been good to me. My complaint is one of geography. And as I age, the winters are hard on me. Between the short days and colder weather, I suffer with chronic pain and seasonal depression that just get harder each year during the winter months here.

My first brief exit from Tulsa was to Trinity University in San Antonio, Texas at the age of 17. I had big dreams of finding myself, making lifelong friends and living happily ever after.

None of that happened. After four weeks total, I withdrew from school. Because I was ill prepared for the realities of life away from home in a fast lane of sex and drugs and alcohol and academia that was way over my head in a matter of days. I was afraid of the partying, I was a virgin and while my test scores showed my intellect worthy of admission to this prestigious private college, my practical skills lacked when I tried to apply myself.

When reading became crucial in my prep school where I was for most of my high school, I know today that I was not able to learn by simply reading from a book. I could not pay attention. The science and math and history all just bounced right off my brain when I looked at the page. They suggested speed reading as my grades began to suffer, but that was not the solution. I now know that I have a different learning style and an attention issue. I learn by experience. There are now schools called demonstration academies for people like me who require a different way to be educated. Sadly in the 1970’s, they only had so much information and boy did I suffer for the lack of that. I have a brilliant mind, based on ACT and SAT testing, but I could not access most of it with the conventional styles of learning. I have spent most of my life feeling stupid and hopeless for that.

Looking back, I now know I was in the grips of a severe attention deficit disorder that had never been labelled or addressed, a crippling anxiety disorder that made walking to class excruciatingly frightening, coupled with a burgeoning eating disorder that I had honed all summer, losing weight to “fit in.” What I couldn’t do anymore was fit in to my swimsuit bottoms because I was entering anorexia and they were falling off at the pool.

At 17, I returned to Tulsa barely able to function over dreams dashed and I began my career of being a floundering human being and drinking and eating to relieve the pain. I got really good at all of that. I waited tables to survive, drank a lot and at 19, I escaped Tulsa for the second time to the mountains of Colorado. My private school friends had all been skiers, and I had never seen the mountains, so I decided the best way to see what that was all about was to move there.

One year in Colorado and lots of fun times skiing and drinking when drinking was fun led to a summer from Hell in Lake Tahoe working at Caesar’s where there was an even faster lane than college. It was 1981 and cocaine was all the rage. I was a pit clerk in the casino. Keeping track of the high rollers who played with house money. Hailing from Mexico City and San Francisco, these people had credit lines of $500,000 to $2 million. And when they came to play, the big boys from the cat walk above me came down to the pits to breathe down my neck while watching the big money players.

The mafia is alive and well and I wasn’t, so I moved on to Houston, Texas for two years, got pregnan the first time I had sex, had a miscarriage, got married, then moved to Austin and hit bottom with my drinking and ended my brief first marriage to my first wusband. All of this Texas drama took place within four years.

It was from there that I crawled back to Tulsa in my first year of sobriety. I was newly sober, freshly divorced, unemployable due to crippling depression and I was just 25.

I stayed in Tulsa then until I remarried and we moved away to Pennsylvania for my second wusband’s job when I was 32. That lasted a year and while we aimed for Austin to get out of the Dutch Country where they only like you when you don’t bring a moving van, the jobs were in Tulsa, so it was back to living on Tulsa time one more time.

This time, for 28 years, which leads me to now. As I aim my car south, the phrase “Never say never” comes to mind as I see the pattern of returning to Oklahoma from wherever I go.

I am pointed to Destin, Florida. The Emerald Coast. And for good reason. Or I could be corny and say for God reason. Because that is what it is. I am led by my spirit to go live at the beach.

In September, I was grieving a romantic loss and I found myself spending four days at a work retreat on the beach of Miramar in the panhandle of Florida. Literally in a house on the water, I found great healing in those few days at the beach where I become right-sized just by opening my eyes and ears to the wonder of the sun, sea, sand and horizon. And these beaches are white and go by the name of The Emerald Coast because of the emerald green waters. As an artist, I see teal and sapphire and periwinkle and pink in those skies and waters. My favorite palette to make art with.

(Miramar Beach sunrise)

When the winter hit a couple of months later back in Tulsa, I was not happy. The short days coupled with the cold weather which made it hard to go outside without hurting just made me bitchy and sad. “Go get it out of your system. Find out if it is meant for you to live there.” Wise words from a friend over dinner at Christmastime as I was dimmed by the lack of a charge to the solar panel in the top of my head. This was made worse by the fact that the relief I get from my chronic pain comes from being outside in nice weather and moving.

(Miramar Beach)

So I went on a pilgrimage. Rented a tiny house three blocks from the beach at Miramar, Florida (which is basically Destin,Florida) and off I went with the back of my SUV packed with art supplies and belongings.

(Assigned Quarters)

I spent every morning at the beach. Two hours, give or take, in most cases just me, with maybe a dozen or so snowbirds from up north who would be there when God turned on the lights. I took dozens of pictures, communed with the sea birds and wrote my gratitude in the sand. I even made a sand angel in the sand. Like when we were kids with snow in Connecticut, only way warmer. I laughed as I lay there. Flapping my arms up and down. Mindful to be sure that I pushed hard enough to make an impression. The beach patrol drove by and gave me a wave as he smiled real big. Their version of winter worked for me as my daughter sent photos of her freshly built snow woman, complete with hot pink spray painted boobs from my back yard in Tulsa where I was happy not to be.

(I’m 60, but the O is silent.)

I now understand why people move to Florida when they grow older. Their bodies ask them too. At least that is what mine has done. And so has my spirit. In fact, I did not want to uproot myself without being sure it was divinely ordered as I try to live by whatever my God has planned for me. I do believe there is a plan for me. My job is to listen for what that is on a daily basis. And when I pulled back into my Tulsa street on March 1 after a fourteen hour drive back, I felt a resounding “This is not your home.” As if God all but spoke the words.

I have plans when I get to Florida to help female felons perhaps get their own businesses going. I am moved in my spirit to do so, using my talents with furniture painting to teach those women who have done their time but can’t get a break because an F word follows them for the rest of their lives.

I also plan to finish writing my book. Something that I have also felt moved to do. With the intent of offering hope to the hopeless for things I have endured and survived and live to tell about which when I do share, I have been told that I help people.

I got really into writing during my #covidvacation, learning that sitting for great lengths and remembering can be painful. So I will return to the writing with breaks to paint and play at the beach once I get settled in my new place.

It’s funny. I started this meaning to pay tribute to Tulsa and my experience here. And this is what came out on the keyboard. I am just a channel. It really is not up to me.

And while this time feels different, I know that Destin, Florida is my next stop, but my intuition says it may not be my last.

So Tulsa, I won’t say goodbye. Instead, since my daughter’s current return address has a Tulsa zip code on it, I will simply say “See you later.”

2 thoughts on “The Circle Game-Pondering My Upcoming Move from Tulsa to Florida

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